DesieSlam: Heartbreak

Once upon a time I experienced my first heartbreak

The pain I wasn't prepared for as my body trembled on the floor

Tears running down my face as I watched him walk out the door

I felt like I was literally broken, so I couldn't return to the store

And get a new heart, a heart that was still in the package and in mint condition

For you see, heartbreak is more like a disease that destroyed my lungs so that I couldn't breathe

My desperate cries getting caught in my throat as the other woman left behind him, wearing his coat

The coat that I bought him for our third anniversary

A time when I thought I had found a love that was legendary

And the man who vowed to be mine could never hurt me

But that's not how the story ends

Instead, my man left me with my chest ripped open

My hands creeping up to my face as my mind raced,

Wondering what the hell did I do to deserve this pain, this pain that stabs like a knife through my back

Like seriously, man, why'd you go and play me like that

Me, the woman who held you down and had your back

A woman who showed you nothing but love and devotion

A woman who was now crying a river filled with all her emotions

Pain, hate, distress, as I sat there depressed

But underneath it all, I still had love for you,

And that's what hurt the most

To love a man that clearly didn't love me

Otherwise I wouldn't be here, alone and lonely

Heartbreak sho ain't easy when your head aches and your stomach's queasy

And just when the man you thought was your world takes away your very essence

Your mind decides to show you in your darkest time the reasons why you even let him into your presence

The reasons why you allowed your soul to dance with his and dream of a life as his wife with your kids

The good memories only intensify your pain until you crumble under the ache and feel your heart break

Yeah, I remember that

And I told myself I'd never feel that again

So I muted my thoughts and pushed pause on my heart

And put up a cement wall with barbed wire at the top so I could keep myself apart

From the men that could've came my way and showed me that it's okay

To love again

But I had to do it, for the sanity of my mind, heart and spirit

Because a heartbreak can put people into critical condition and not even a doctor can fix the damage

Only time can do that, so I gave myself the time I needed to stop feeling like us and more like me

An independent woman with the sanity of my mind, heart and spirit

So slowly but surely, I began to heal

Flexing my fingers to make sure I could feel

Taking my first steps forward so that I couldn't go back

Opening my eyes and ears to remind myself that a life without you is not just a dream, but fact

So concrete that I removed the wires around my heart, but kept that wall up

Guarding it like a watchdog so that nobody could break in and take a heart still raw

Still bruised but beating with life and an inkling of love

A love that I still wanted to have but I was going to take my time this time

Live my life this time, find my groove this time

And prove that a man can need me in a way that I won't need him

I'll be my own rock to hold onto, my own shoulder to cry on

So if my heart were to break again, I wouldn't feel so broken and alone

Once upon a time, I experienced my first heartbreak

A pain so raw it took my breath away

A cut so deep that my love bled out

So I pressed pause on my heart and made a vow

That I wouldn't press play until I met the man that could show me how

To love again